i will die frivolous

beloved,

i have nothing in my powers to ease out the pain that my wildest imagination cannot even come close to seeing.  Alas I have come short of parlour tricks of easing out your daily hell. still lately, i fervently talk to God every moment that i can bargaining with him, begging him and cursing him in my expense yet in the end i come out of the conversation with as much faith that i previously had. I must believe that everything will get better for you, believing otherwise fucks with the very fundamentals of logic and my belief. And i do believe it with as much faith as i have with candy.

You my dear are a great person and you deserve so much more beyond this, and i have all the faith in the world that everything will start to look up no matter how cliche’ that sounds.

this is too much to ask from a person who’s been through as much as you do but please hold on. if not for your loved ones, hold on for them who are not here any more. They aren’t but YOU are.  And no matter how unfair it may seem, you have to carry on and live your life and try to pursue as much happiness as you can. The least you can do is try as hard as you can. You owe them that. 

i am nothing but a fiction of the skype imagination, an unsolicited advise giver, a dumb ass and a stupid writer, there is nothing special in me. You however are a different story, you are apparently something more than the ordinary. Now i do not know what you believe in but as for me i believe that if God did have plans for me, then he definitely has bigger plans for you. You deserve to be so happy.

so happy

when pain creeps up and dreams are shoved aside

when all is unwell

when you feel nothing but the guilt and the pain

when your only escape is the sweetness of numbness

and your only serenity the absense of sensation

i wish only for one thing

i plead only for one wish

let me take it all

even just until it heals

until pain is nomore let me be one thing

let me be your novocaine

Im too darn picky.

I see no point in playing around with people’s feelings, its messy, its hurtful, it burns bridges and the stress and guilt is not worth the small fleeting happiness.

Through my years of idealism and wishful thinking i somehow came up with a rough draft of standards for going into a serious relationship/ flirtationship and getting over unuseful ones.

heed my warning this list is at the very least a dream, nevertheless in pray that even as grow older i stand by these principles made by a gullible hopeless romantic 20 year old me 

1. There’s no point in staying with someone who wont ever make you feel consistently like that girl in the movies, NO POINT
2. If a guy cant make sacrifices for you leave him. specially if wont even try.
3. If he can imagine living without you, never imagine living with him.
4. Only love a MAN.

6. Stay true to your principles but love with a relentless fierceness. Leave no room for regrets and what ifs.

most importantly love is a partnership so it goes both ways

as the female counterpart i believe that we should..

1. make the person we love feel like that guy in the movies. if making this happen feel like a task or a burden then your not the right girl for him. be fair and let him go so that he could find that lad who’d find the very meaning of joy in catering to his most mundane needs.

2. your a girl not a cripple, do not expect the sacrifices to only come from him. and if you do make some, do it in silence. do not wear it like a badge of “Utang na Loob”

3. If you imagine life without him and it feels fine. Start thinking. Your man deserves better than that.

4. be that one WOMAN that would hold him down. strive to be the true woman that your future love deserves.

5. Stay true to your principles but love with a relentless fierceness. Leave no room for regrets and what ifs.

We all deserve a great love story.

The choices we make now define how great this story will be.

pain has an element of blank;
it cannot recollect
when it began, or if there was
a time that it was not

it has no future but itself,
its infinite realms contain
its past,
enlightened to perceive
new periods of pain

sodamnrelatable:

YES.

go GIF, do what i want to do but am not too dumb to do yet

(Source: saaandeee)

 I have never been a prideful person. 

I care not for fancy things and when i try to look at something, like a true blue kid of the book Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery I try to look at its actual value and not its price. 

Never a fan of actual brands nor of pricetags.

This next paragraph is written 30 min before the previous one mainly because i was trying to think if what i want to write is true. And yes after a very long train of thought i can say that at gthe best of my knowledge i have never bragged about anything i own before.

I am, however, guilty of bragging about one other thing. Weather secretly or openly i am guilty of bragging about my thoughts. Yes my thoughts, isnt that the very reason i have a blog? that and this http://iwilldiefrivolous.tumblr.com/post/24069308720/brave-little-coward

And why should i not? My brain is the only body part that works out. It is in a regular exercise program of internal debates, it lives in a reading boot camp and thrives there, repeatedly chastised for the smallest mistakes and is in a constant pressure to write. If thinking too much created muscle mass, my brains would have six packs. Therefore i have always believed that i have a sexy brain. (whatever the hell that means)

But alas! I think that now, even that should be taken away from me. What right do i have to any claims of being witty or even smart, if i am dumb as fuck and i am as gullible as a half wit? What claims do i have with being a fast learner if i cannot even learn from my own miserable cycle?

This blog has been a witness of the stupidity i so try to deny.

Boy meets girl

boy is more interested

girl is hesitant

boy uses charm

girl looses wits and falls

girl lets go, loves

boy looses interest

girl is left with a lot of love and nowhere to put it

6 months of residual writing material

but who knows this might be different. i might just be over thinking this.

or

its might all be the same

fate the biggest asshole of my life has fucked with me again

preoccupied by all the burdens that weigh me down

was

undaunted by the truth that i am only one

now

realizing the fact that i have too much

unable to say no to anyone

incapable to take anymore

i have reached the peek…

not of success but of my own limitations

to much is trusted upon me

one wrong move and everything crumbles upon my own bare feet

yet i am only one

one

incapable of doing all that has to be done

an individual

with a life, living it not for anyone else

a person

not an elite nor a superhuman

part of this is mine

yet not all was bestowed only to me

as one we are but dust

yet together we make the mold that holds all of this together

take my hand…

do as we should do

i look at your face from a screen projected picture

not blinking, i stare at your eyes

unaware, i beggan to reach for your smile

i am mezmerized

i am stigmatized

unable to walk or talk

…again

love and jelousy

pride and flame

insecurities and tears

i hesitate then give in

i think in know

i think i realize

yet i want to forget

for i know ill end up in regret

i am happy

i am sad

i am jelous

I AM CONFUSED

i want to live

i want to die

to disapear into the night

yet twilight told me i just love and despise my Heaven

so let the truth be told!

I AM IN LOVE AGAIN!!!

torment me with truths 
that would never be mine
or
make my friable mind drown
with frivolous facts built on the last morsel of reality

be mine for this first and last time
and for once be mine compleately
drown me in your presence
and see how much pain and extacy
your very existance give

let me drown in music
let every tune fill my very soul
for every word calls upon oblivion
kills my memory 
erases the very cause of repention

Hazel eyes

i long to see

the one to look at i long to be

hazel eyes

read my mind

with what i feel be not blind

hazel eyes

i exist

proof that i am not mist

hazel eyes

shine on me

try to love me or set me free

shit… 

caught out of guard by that stare 

slowly being aware of the beauty you behold 

daunted by your ways 

breathless… 

but still afraid to be careless 

a thousand bulls pounding my heart 

starting to smile 

wanting to touch you 

but 

ending up with nothing but wishful sighs 

sigh… 

if only i was as ladylike 

if only my skin was not that dark 

if only i had hands like yours 

then maybe… 

how i wish this could be true 

Coz my deity, think I’m in love with you 

I write blogs because Im a coward. Truth is, im chicken shit no matter how seemingly brave i make myself look. 

I’ve always been afraid to let people know of how i feel but equally terrified that they would never know. I am placed in a juxtaposition between expression and ego-preservation. 

Thus i hide behind blogs, bravely speaking unspoken definites, for in this tiny piece of space and time, i am free. Here the argument “You read, i did not make you read” is brave enough to be the rescue for both my ego and my words.